With so many new experiences, I find it difficult sometimes to know exactly what to share with my readers.
Sometimes, it’s a moment of weakness, a moment of excitement, or a moment of sorrow. Often, it’s a moment of hilarity, or of adventure.
I guess this is meant to be a moment of confession, if that’s alright with all of you. There are a few things I’ve learned since moving to Manhattan, and I think the conclusions are important to share with you.
I was so excited to move out here. I thought New York City would be the greatest place in the world. And, in many ways, it is one of the most beautiful and rewarding destinations I’ve visited in my lifetime.
But I don’t fit in here the way I hoped I would.
I don’t belong in Manhattan. That much has been made clear to me over the past few weeks. Will I make it through four years of college? Absolutely. I’m not one to quit, and I know my feelings of inadequacy and loneliness will go away in a few more months, or even a few more semesters.
A good challenge is good for anybody. And this city is full of them. I am still as confident as ever that I’ll be able to find a decent job or two from this experience, and that I’ll be able to establish myself as a journalist, though I’m not sure what journalism area I want to be a part of yet.
That being said, I may not belong in Manhattan, but that doesn’t mean I don’t belong in the city. I haven’t had the chance to fully explore the other Burroughs (though I’ve spent a decent amount of time in Brooklyn), but it only takes a few minutes of interaction with someone who lives outside of Manhattan for me to feel like New York City and its beauty extends so much father than Times Square and Freedom Tower. I think the real beauty is hiding on the sidelines, and certainly the real history.
I’ve also learned that I will never care about fashion. I wear black mostly, sometimes dark colors, and blue jeans. That makes up the majority of my wardrobe, next to my jean/leather jackets and my hats. And I like living that way. I never want to be the girl wearing six inch heels walking down Broadway on her way to work. I will never be that girl. Some things change over time, but I know that part of my life will not.
And I’ve learned that I don’t care about fancy food, either. To be honest with you, I don’t care much for the “rich” life at all. I can’t fathom why anyone would want to spend $1600 on a jacket when they could do so much more with that money, when they could do so much good with that money. I can’t understand, though I’ve tried, why people will go to the most expensive restaurants in Manhattan to order something that tastes just as good as a $6 sub from Subway.
This is the majority of my problem, and I’m hoping to surpass it eventually.
It’s hard to live somewhere where the overwhelming majority of the people surrounding you have very different priorities with their paycheck. Mine goes to Christmas presents for my family, and to exploring the city. For many others, the first stop after payday is Urban Outfitters. Or somewhere altogether more expensive. The two of us will never fully understand one another.
For all of the these reasons, I spend a lot of my time alone, exploring, sometimes in Brooklyn and sometimes in Manhattan. And don’t get me wrong, there are parts of Manhattan that I love. Just last night, Juan and I were in Times Square (it was late on a Sunday night), and everything was closed. The surreal feeling of being in Times Square after everything is shut down and there aren’t nearly as many tourists roaming the sidewalks was utterly bizarre. But also liberating. Even the city that never sleeps needs a nap.
That’s the other major issue. I have four classes that I struggle to keep up with, a job that I work at least 12 hours a week, and constant homework. This doesn’t include basic chores around my dorm, laundry, meals, appointments, and the amount of time it takes to walk everywhere. I want to do so many more important things with my time, but when I’m not working, I want to be exploring or sleeping. Though, I suppose that’s what freshman year is all about anyway.
These are just some thoughts that I’ve been having. I’m sharing them with you not because I want you to feel like I’m not having a good time, and please don’t think that, because I am (I’ve met some incredible people, and I wouldn’t give that up for anything), but I share them with you because I haven’t written in a while and I want you to understand where I am right now.
And, for those of you who really couldn’t care less and want to read something lighter, I’ll be posting another Weird People soon, along with a few other things.
Thanks, as always, to my constant readers and followers.